he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
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she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
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The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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