Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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