Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
