Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
