is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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