i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
