Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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