May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
