he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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