I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
