Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
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Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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