Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
