Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
