I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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