I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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