Swine flu. Run for my life!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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