he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
