My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
