My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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