New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
