If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
