Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
