My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
