Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
