my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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