My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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