I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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