If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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