I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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