I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
