The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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