Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
