I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
