I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
