All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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