I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize