she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
