Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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