Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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