so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
MIDGETS
????
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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