you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
