Don't make out with my wife yet
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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