Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
someone owes me an orgasm
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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