Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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