i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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