What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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