I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Randomize