My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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