mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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