I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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