True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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