How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
