I'm lost and stupid without you.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
