Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
