I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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