I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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