Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
