Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So much Jack, so little girl.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
